Oddly enough, I wrote this a few summers ago when I was as sane as I ever have been. Go figure.

 

 

-

 

White men, white men all in white coats, they say I’m crazy.
Crazy? I’ll show them I’ll show them I’m not;
could one who has lost all use of his senses,
who has abandoned all faculties and is mentally lost,
speak to you with such clarity, with freedom of will?
Crazy? I was crazy once – I left it all in times past.

 

Can I bring myself to share my story, of my past?
I always used to think I might, just might, be crazy,
I once thought that I could, just, you know, will
away all my problems and life would magically not
hurt anymore. Well, I tried it. I wished, and lost
myself in my wishes. Took over a year to come to my senses.

 

I’d always noticed that I was different – I had heightened senses.
I could always see, hear and feel things that seemed to fly past
others unnoticed. Others always said I seemed to be lost,
but really I was chatting with the angels. They talked crazy.
I tried to tell my friends about them, but they’d say “They’re not
there.” Were they blind? Or did I just have the greater will?

 

I thought about drugs, but I heard about side effects and I will
not let that happen to myself. I would not lose control of my senses:
No, never. Ever. Not me. I would not. Won’t. Can’t. Could not.
I did once, and I’ve only just managed to put it all in the past.
See, I did some things I’m not proud of, things that were downright crazy;
And if I didn’t do something to change? Well… you’d think I was lost.

 

I don’t rightly remember how old I was when I broke down and lost
all control. I was thirteen or fourteen, I think, and I said “Never again will
I hurt her.” I left, then. I withdrew and didn’t bother. Drove me crazy.
I could still see her, lying, crying, bleeding, withdrawing from her senses.
She lived. I lied, though. I said I managed to put it all in my past.
Well, I didn’t. Not me. I would not. Won’t. Can’t. Could not.

 

I guess that makes me different from everyone else. They heal, I do not.
What they forget, I remember, what I keep forever they count as lost.
They forget, I dwell and obsess and torment myself over my past,
as if I could change what I have done by sheer force of will.
See, I haven’t yet lost complete control over all of my senses –
I still think, still reason, still know myself, even if you think I’m crazy.

 

Well, I’m not. And no matter what you think, I will
prove that I am not lost yet. I still command my senses,
isn’t the past in the past? I swear, IswearIswearIswear - I’m not crazy.